it’s 4am. that only gives me five or less hours to hit the sack and prepare myself for a long eight-hour shift tomorrow. the sleeping pills never kick in for some reason, so i’m forced to either continue typing lazily with one hand or laying motionless on the couch while the insomnia persists to ruin my last few hours of slumber. i’m going to be falling in a siesta in the middle of work and that’s not good considering the fact i’ll be coming in right at rush-hour to indulge in the grating high-pitched moans of jennifer as i juggle push-out and drinks. and i’ll probably get my hours cut while at it.
yesterday i kept telling myself to take things in slow stride, to incorporate talking and asking questions as much as i can, and greeting customers with the utmost respect. but every night as i sit outside sipping away at my diet coke waiting on a ride home, i realize every day’s going to end up with the same promises and expectations, and i’m going to prolong the selective mutism until i blow my brains. i feel rather childish getting so uptight over something so trivial, but i seriously can’t take it anymore. i can’t take coming off pretentious, taking every little comment offensively and bursting into tears, appearing so weak because of it, and having customers rip away at my self-esteem not really knowing how detrimental every comment is to me. the only thing they know is that i let them get away with it.
what’s worse of all is having everyone expect a miraculous 90 degree turn right now, this second, because they, the gods of the universe, said i had to. then, if it’s not negative feedback, it’s nitpicking for the sake of nitpicking that’s done as if they’re the first people in history to say, “shhh, be quiet, you’re too loud.” or “why don’t you talk? cat got your tongue?”
if i’m going to be reminded of my weakness at least use some originality.
after i get everyone’s presents out of the way i might just hack off six inches of my hair, that, or buy a few political books to divert my mind on something less negative. who knows, it might just make me feel better.