Disappear Orlean (orlean) wrote,
Disappear Orlean
orlean

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I should be in bed right now.

I don’t really know what happened yesterday. Whether it was sleep deprivation, incompetence, or the Failure Fairy, I still managed to not succeed at anything. For hours I kept trying to find someone else to blame for failing front boards. All the excuses actually kept me sane, at least for a while, before I broke down and realized had I simply not been myself for one day I could’ve actually survived the rush. If I could’ve talked and asked Siroan where he was, and calmed down just a little bit I probably would’ve done fine.

The only person I wasn’t angry at by the end of the day was Toni’s boyfriend--Nathan. I don’t know how he deals with me. I pitched in and helped with good intentions and totally fucked up the pace he was in. And yet he kept his patience. Not even a sound of incoherent fussing perked past his lips. How he managed to keep his cool is beyond my comprehension.

What’s so hysterical about the whole ordeal is the fact all of this happened right in front of the man who hired me. He watched as I failed at understanding where I was on the screen after Siroan’s help. He even watched as I failed to provide them with enough meat and bread to get by the rush. He didn’t see that all the meat I was putting in kept coming out in shreds or in blood. He didn’t see the things that weren’t my fault. I was taken aback by the expression on his face. His thoughts were so subtle and yet so obvious. His eyes indicated I wasn’t as good as I should be after six months and I could feel him trying to not to say that to me for some reason.

It’s no wonder I work shitty hours. The only reason I probably even have my job is because of equal opportunity employment or diversity. That’s the only way that would explain why I haven’t been fired yet. Most of them still don’t understand why I can’t just “suck it up” and talk. If it was that easy, do you honestly think I would’ve wasted sixteen years of my life not doing just that? It’s almost laughable how some people have absolutely no empathy.

So, why aren't I laughing?

On a lighter note, I offered to dine my mother out to eat after work. She decided she wanted to have breakfast for dinner, so we went to Denny’s. She ordered sausage, hash browns, eggs, and pancakes and I forced down a pile of french fries and a Boca veggie burger while listening to 50's music. At least I made someone else’s day a little brighter.
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